When I gave birth to my daughter I never imagined I would have all these emotions. Sure- I knew my life was going to change but I don’t think I could have ever truly prepared myself to deal with it all. People talk to you about postpartum depression and baby blues. But I always thought about it as someone else’s problem. I was so happy to be pregnant. My pregnancy was tuff but the love for my baby was always there. I knew that I would be forever in love the moment I held her in my arms.
At first everything was great. When I gave birth I felt empowered as a woman. I felt invincible. It gave me a confidence that I never had before. I found out things about myself I never knew and I began to have these new feelings. Me and my husband were in our own little heaven.
I thought to myself that I was doing a good job. I had overcame the initial hardships of breast feeding , my daughter was gaining weight, I was learning her likes and dislikes. I was a good mom! But in time feelings of guilt crept up on me. It came out of no where. One minute I was fine and then the next I was sad. I became worried of whether something I was doing was going to damage her permanently. I would get these waves of anxiety. When I was alone with her I could see myself In my head dropping her. I would watch her sleeping-not being able to take my eyes away because in my head i knew she was going to stop breathing. The anxiety is at its worst when I’m alone with her. Once my husband comes home from work, I try to take a break from her. I hand her over to him and try to clear my mind.
My daily mission now is to try to distract my mind. I try to go out and spend time with other people so I don’t have to feel anxious. I’m never apart from her , we’re always together. I let people help me, I’m not alone with her all day like before. When she cries I feel ok because someone else is around. I’m less anxious because I keep myself distracted.
I’m not sure if distracting myself is the best way to cope. I haven’t been honest about this to anyone. I’m good at putting on a brave face. I don’t want anyone to think I’m a bad mother. I don’t have thoughts of hurting my baby. I just can’t shake the thoughts of incompetence, loneliness and fear. I sometimes resolve by fighting with my husband and taking my anger and frustrations out on him. I’m jealous because he doesn’t have to go through what I’m going through. Poor guy, he has been nothing but an angel to me. He loves me everyday and is an amazing father.
At the end of the day this all brings me to question myself:
why are we so scared to be weak? And why is it so hard to admit it? Why is being weak during this time of my life so bad?